Explanation

Several scenarios are presented in this section. Each scenario is followed by Stimulus questions and Key messages. In order to create discussion in the main group, you will find a final section with Closing questions on the topic and Key messages to use as a plenary with the group to complete the activity.

Educational objectives

Recognize the pros and cons of various types of approaches in a relationship in adolescence.
Develop their critical thinking about the use of the Internet and social media in establishing relationships.
Become aware of the situations or contexts that make a relationship healthy or not.
Become aware of the importance of a date and/or a relationship full of authenticity, respect, and integrity.

Procedure

Before the activity

Get acquainted with the scenarios and select them appropriately according to the particularities of your group of young people.
Get acquainted with the Stimulus questions, the Closing questions and Key messages.
Provide the necessary material for carrying out the activity.
Print the scenarios, questions, key messages and the plenary section.
Plan rules of conduct that the young people will have to respect (e.g.: speaking out, respect for others, self-respect, etc.)

During the activity

You must divide the participants into teams (create the number of teams equivalent to the number of selected scenarios).
You distribute a different scenario to each team.
In a team, they read the scenario that is presented, the questions and discuss it. You can give them 10 to 15 minutes for discussion.
In the main group, each team presents the scenario, the questions and explains their answers to the questions.
For each scenario and questions, the speaker has some response tracks they can refer to.
When all the teams have presented their scenario, you ask the Closing questions in the main group and lead a discussion.
You finish the workshop with the final Key message.

Equipment

Printed scenarios + the questions associated with each scenario.
Printed questions and answers for each scenario.
Printed questions for the plenary.
Printed key message.

Gabrielle, 14 years old.

Gabrielle has had a "boyfriend" for 3 months and wonders if he is really in love with her. She is worried about whether he is "flirting" with other girls. She decides to use her friend Matilde's cell phone to pretend to be her, and sends this text to her own "boyfriend":

"Gabrielle and you don't look happy together". The latter answers this (thinking he's answering Matilde): " There are days when I find it's not easy with Gabrielle; she's not easy to get along with. She's not as funny as you" (Always thinking that he is writing to Matilde). After reading this text, Gabrielle, furious, went to find him and made a jealous scene in front of his friends.

Stimulus Questions

What do you think of this situation?

What do you think makes Gabrielle do this?

Lack of self-confidence.
Fear of losing the other, insecurity.
Suspicion (imagines situations and scenarios).
Desire for control.
Lack of communication with her "boyfriend".
Feeling of jealousy towards other girls.

What are the benefits of acting like this?

Knowing the truth about what her "boyfriend" really thinks of her.
Assessing if her "boyfriend" has some interest in her friend (or possibly other girls).
Avoiding addressing the subject directly with her "boyfriend".

What are the disadvantages?

Her "boyfriend" is likely to feel betrayed, trapped and be more defensive.
If her friend did not know that she was using her phone, she may also feel betrayed.
This devious way of "communicating" causes more insecurity than the feeling of having real answers. This indicates a lack of confidence and may cause a real crisis.
Communicating by cell phone can leave room for interpretation.

What's the point of jealousy in a relationship?

"To be jealous means to feel the relationship is threatened and to fear not being good enough. Jealousy can also be a sign that we consider the other as our possession. It becomes a pretext to control the other”. Quoted from:

Lavoie, F. (2009). VIRAJ : Programme de prévention de la violence dans les relations amoureuses chez les jeunes, 2e édition. Flagged at https://www.viraj.ulaval.ca/sites/viraj.ulaval.ca/files/lavoie_2009.pdf

It's rare that a person has never felt jealousy at some point in their life. It's especially important to understand why we feel this way because jealousy is certainly not a proof of love.

What advice would you give to Gabrielle? What could she have done otherwise?

Discuss with her "boyfriend" if she has concerns. Trust must be two-way and this type of behavior (pretending to be someone else) does not promote the boy's trust in her. On the contrary, he is likely to be more suspicious of her and not be able to trust her anymore. This attitude could even make him decide to leave her.
Talk to her friends, a social worker or her parents to help her understand her behavior and her jealousy. She will be able to receive different viewpoints.

Hugo 17 years old.* To select with young people aged 15 and over *

Hugo is very popular among the girls but never falls in love. Thus, he always retains the possibility of meeting someone else and not miss an opportunity. He says he's "just dating ". Moreover, with girls, he uses the "icing " technique which consists of keeping a sufficiently friendly tie with them so that they believe and hope that it can go further (e.g.: he can send them text messages regularly, go out with them from time to time, be very intimate; then remain silent for a certain time or to pretexting various activities so as not to see them).

At each reunion, the girl in question is really happy to be with him because she missed him. He knows that she is hoping for more from him, but in order not to lose her, he participates "just enough" in the relationship so she doesn't break up (even if they do not go out together officially). He never commits himself because he is not in love with them, but he arranges for them to remain available to him.

Stimulus Questions

What do you think of this situation?

What do you think drives Hugo to act like this?

Inability to commit, to reveal himself, to invest himself emotionally in a relationship, fear of being hurt, to suffer or to be the one who is dropped, fear of not being good enough, that we make fun of him...
Anxiety of being alone, so he always keeps open doors to avoid real loneliness.
Needs to maintain control over his relationships with girls.
The constant need to be noticed, to have attention, to seduce, etc.

Inspired by: Perel, E. (nd). Relational Thinking: Relationship Accountability and the Rise of Ghosting. Flagged at https://estherperel.com/blog/relationship-accountability

What are the benefits of acting like this?

Living in pleasure, in the present moment, without worrying about the other.
Feeling of being surrounded, popular, so always someone to solicit; it gives him the illusion of not being alone.
Feeling of control of his relationships; gives him some power.

What are the disadvantages?

Not achieving the emotional intimacy usually found in a "more serious" relationship; not having the same type of exchanges with "short-term partners" as with a "lover"; not living the pleasure of a relationship where both are clearly committed.
Using others for his personal well-being and risking hurting them by letting them believe that he really is interested in them.
Risk of having the "reputation" of using girls.

What's the point of commitment? What's the point of loyalty in a relationship?

To commit is to decide to create a special bond with someone who shares our values, to build a common project (in this case, the relationship). In a relationship, each person is expected to respect that commitment. It evolves over time and allows us to develop the relationship, to know each other better, but it also requires effort.

What advice would you give to Hugo? Or what could he do differently?

Being in this type of "dating" may mean for Hugo that he owes nothing to the girls he meets, but the fact remains that they deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. In order to not create false hopes, it is important that Hugo tell the other the level of involvement in which he really wants to engage in the relationship.
If the relationship is no longer appropriate, it is important to end it conclusively and clearly, in a language that cannot be misinterpreted or leave the other in limbo. The other person does not deserve to stay with vain expectations and hopes or to feel resentment.

Inspired by: Perel, E. (nd). Relational Thinking: Relationship Accountability and the Rise of Ghosting. Flagged at https://estherperel.com/blog/relationship-accountabilit

Beatrice, 15 years old.

Beatrice went out for a while with Zachary who was very much in love with her. They met at a party: she approached him, they talked and she liked the interest he had in her. At the end of the evening, they kissed each other for a long time. She did not feel in love, but for Zachary, this evening was very important and he quickly suggested that they go out together. Beatrice could not say no, for fear of disappointing him. She says: "I feel bad all the time, for everything and for nothing. Knowing that I seduced him and that I don't want to give him false hopes, I decided to go out with him. But I realized that I blundered because I was going to create a bigger false hope. I decided to "break up" with him and I really blame myself".

Stimulus Questions

What do you think of this situation?

What do you think makes Béatrice act like this?

Party environment, feeling of euphoria, pleasure.
Feeling valued for having aroused interest and, subsequently, desire in others.
Possibility of alcohol consumption that can disinhibit and lead to certain behaviors.
Little knowledge of one's self and expectations: interest shown by the other makes us enter into a relationship.

What are the benefits of acting like this?

In the short term, please Zachary.
Are there any advantages to going against her urge, her needs, her desire?

What are the disadvantages?

Risking creating false hope and/or hurting another person.
Feeling bad about accepting to go out with Zachary because she did not know how to say no.
Not listening to her own needs/desires.

What is the point of sincerity in a relationship?

Saying what you really feel while considering each other with respect and taking into account the other person's sensitivity.
Learning to communicate in a frank and delicate way.

What advice would you give to Béatrice? What could she do differently?

It would have been better for Beatrice to clarify the situation from the start. She could have thought about what she really felt for Zachary and decided not to commit because she says she did not know how to tell him no.
Moreover, no one is forced to be in a relationship or to stay in a couple if it does not feel right. We can also explain that we prefer to remain friends.
Everyone must respect everyone else's limits, but also their own limits.

Alexis, 15 years old.

Alexis would like to meet a boy his age, but it's not easy in the small town where he lives. So he went on a dating site. On these sites, the messages and invitations are often very sexual, quite detailed and often of older men. He talked to his best friend, Maria, who told him that "gays" do not really live love stories, but only have sexual partners. Alexis does not agree. " Why couldn't homosexual boys live a beautiful love story? I think love is a combination of physical and sentimental attraction. Nowadays, it looks like it's more physical, but sometimes it can be just sentimental. It's a little complicated. But I really think that to be well with someone, it should not be just for sex". He still wonders how he could experience a relationship with someone of his age, in his school?

Stimulus Questions

What do you think of this situation?

What do you think of his definition of a beautiful love story?

In your opinion, what prompted Alexis to go on dating sites?

Reduced pool of potential people to meet in his school and/or city.
Difficulty asserting his sexual orientation with his friends and family.
Accessibility to dating sites that seems easier and allows for greater self-confidence (or feeling of comfort).
Needing to test or learn ways to seduce and opportunities for dating in the homosexual community (possibly fewer models in his community).

What are the benefits of acting like this?

More potential people to meet online than at his school.
Opportunity to explore homosexual relationships without officially displaying it in his environment, within his entourage.

What are the disadvantages?

Encounters with men who are not at the same level as him in terms of development or whose expectations are different from his own.
Exchanges on dating sites can lead to certain risks (e.g. false identity of the other person, distorted images, possibilities of disappointment or risks of sextortion, etc.).

What advice would you give to Alexis?

Not to be discouraged, that he is not the only one to feel that even if he feels lonely right now.
Take pride in the fact that he is fulfilled in his sexual orientation and that he assumes it fully.
To seek advice from counsellors at his school that he trusts and that, eventually, put him in contact with other young people (if they consent) of his school who live the same situation as him.
Search for community organizations close to home and contact them or go meet them to allow him to create a network.

Emma, 13 years old.

Emma feels very much in love with Matteo. He is in her math class and she finds him funny. Matteo is not athletic and is not the most popular of his class, but she finds a "little something special" in him. They see each other often at the Maison des Jeunes and have fun together. The problem is that Emma is concerned that her friends don't agree with her choice. Karine does not like how he looks. Camille said the other day that he should go on a diet. Matteo is attentive to Emma and she feels more and more in love. She does not know how she would react to her friends' comments if she told them how she feels about Matteo. She is too afraid to lose her friends and decides to keep this love a secret: neither Matteo nor her friends will know it.

Stimulus Questions

What do you think of this situation?

What do you think caused Emma to act like this?

Peer opinion is very important in adolescence. We want to feel appreciated and belong to a group.
The fear of being rejected and losing friends.
Low self-esteem can affect the ability to assert oneself, including with friends.

What are the benefits of acting like this?

Sense of being appreciated by peers and being part of the group.
Avoiding taunts from friends.
Not taking the risk that her friends distance themselves and reject her.

What are the disadvantages?

To miss a rewarding relationship and regretting it much later (since this boy affects her, pleases her, and that there already appears to be a complicity between them).
Having to hide her feelings for this boy and therefore not be genuine with her friends about the feelings she has for Matteo.

Do your friends influence you in choosing your sweetheart? Do you feel the need to get their approval? Why?

If it was Emma's parents who did not agree with the choice of her sweetheart, what could she do?

She could ask them to explain the reasons for such a disagreement.
Maybe they noticed inappropriate attitudes or behaviors on Matteo's part? In this case, they are afraid that he will negatively influence her and want to protect her. Perhaps they are right to worry.
Is it possible that they are open to meet him, to give him the chance to show who he is and to get to know him better? Maybe knowing that Emma is really attached to him, they will want to make an effort in this direction? .

Inspired by: Tel-Jeunes. (2017). My family does not like my boyfriend or my girlfriend. What to do? Flagged at https://www.teljeunes.com/Tel-jeunes/Tous-les-themes/Amour/Vivre-une-relation-amoureuse/Ma-famille-n-aime-pas-mon-chum-ou-ma-blonde-Que-faire-fr

What advice would you give to Emma? What could she do differently?

The friends' perception (their approval or disapproval) may be unjustified. Friends can make these kind of comments because they are jealous that a boy is interested in Emma and not in them...
It may be interesting to discuss it with her friends. Emma might realize that her friends are happy that she is developing this type of feelings for someone. After all, in a friendship, we want the other to be happy.

What do you remember from this exercise?

How do we know we're really in love?
Is it possible to live a beautiful love story at your age?
Is it important, at your age, to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

It is quite understandable to want a relationship in adolescence. This allows you to discover the other as well as to learn to be in another type of relationship and to communicate with the one we love. Nobody is obliged to have a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend".
With time and experience, we learn to notice the positive and negative aspects of relationships. This makes it possible to assert oneself more and more (know who we are, with whom we are, what kind of intimacy we are willing to share, etc.).
For some, the desire to be in a relationship would be more motivated by the desire to be popular, at least to prove to oneself or others that one can have a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend". Pleasing someone is good for our self-esteem, that's for sure... but it's important not to perceive oneself through one's ability to seduce or to please.

When we do not feel good in our relationship, what can we do?

The first thing to do is to communicate, in a respectful way and without excessive emotional reactions (and especially not violent), our concerns or our dissatisfactions. It will then be easier to identify what is wrong with the relationship.
Some options will then be available: continue with some adjustments that will respect the boundaries and needs of both partners or terminate the relationship.
This last option is obviously seldom pleasant choice for one or the other, but sometimes it's inevitable.
It's possible to experience a heartache in which feelings of sadness, rejection, and depression intertwine. It's understandable. In this case, you must take time for yourself, spend time with friends or family and say that life will go on, that the sadness will fade. Certainly, we should not stay in a relationship that constantly brings us sadness, discomfort or even fear. Everyone deserves to live a simple, friendly and enjoyable love story.

What is a healthy relationship?

You can go to the Criteria for a healthy relationship.

Here is a chart outlining some criteria showing that a relationship is healthy. This is not an exhaustive list. In addition, it is possible that your relationship does not meet all these criteria. That said, no matter how long your relationship, your sex, age or sexual orientation, you should not tolerate violent relationships (verbal, psychological, physical and sexual abuse). There are healthy, peaceful and enjoyable ways to live a romantic relationship.

Relationship is a plus in our life:

The relationship is CHOSEN. She is not there to fulfill a lack of self-esteem, a feeling of loneliness or a feeling of guilt.

Complicity:

Being comfortable with your boyfriend or girlfriend, talk, make jokes, play: being yourself.

Good self-esteem:

Both people have a good self-esteem, both feel good about themselves, regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship.

Similar interests and values:

The two partners share common interests and common values.

Equal decision-making:

The relationship is equal. Each of the partners can express their ideas, their opinion, and their expectations. Communication is on an equal footing and both people's choices are respected.

Balance of this relationship in relation to other activities in one's life:

The relationship is part of the two people's respective lives (friends, family, studies, activities, hobbies, etc.). Both can enjoy spending time with other people without always having to be with their boyfriend or their girlfriend. They support each other as an individual in their respective friendships and interests.

Engagement:

Involvement in the relationship is the same for both: each one gives and receives in a fair way and each one's vision of commitment comes together.

Confidence and respect:

We feel free and safe in the relationship, we are confident and we do not fear losing the other at any time. Each one respects the other, but each one feels comfortable going at their own pace, respecting their limits; without the pressure from the other. Both people are kind to each other and encourage each other.

Conflict management:

Partners may not agree on certain topics and manage their conflicts without verbal, psychological or physical violence.

The feeling of love, when it carries us.

We feel good. We don't feel judged. We can be ourselves and act naturally.
We don't feel pressure to do what the other person expects from us. We may want to please the other, of course, but we don't feel that we must respond to their requests to be appreciated.
We gradually learn to know each other and to be well together.
We feel comfortable to be with our lover in front of our friends.

The feeling of love, when it derails.

We do not feel good with each other. Everything seems too complicated.
Our "boyfriend" or our "girlfriend" watches us, spies on us.
We are afraid of having a relationship with someone who is not unanimous under the pretext of disappointing our friends.

Love at your age is great, but no one should feel obliged to have a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend". Love cannot be ordered: to each their own rhythm, to each their love at first sight and their timely moment.

The important thing is to be yourself while being able to put yourself in the other's shoes on occasion; to be honest with yourself and with each other. Being in love is a unique and precious state. This is the reason why one should not play with the other's feelings to gain popularity, for one's personal benefit or to use the other. In love, an elegant heart and respect are sure values...